Fib, looking with glazed eyes at the main console screen.
He notes yet another diatribe about an ongoing controversy surrounding his J4 call during the now infamous poker match against the Big Blind Federation’s nameless representative.
It turns out the event was actually a high stakes, widely broadcasted tournament and the quantum internet at large simply couldn’t believe Fib would make a call that foolish. People were beginning to suspect foul play. This was going viral.
“I guess they just can’t fathom the depths of my decision making…” Fib says, almost lighting the wrong end of his cigarette.
BUT JUST THEN.
“Fib… Fib Newton… This is the UFL contacting a Mr. Fib Newton… “
The UFL…? Fib ponders to himself, finding the acronym familiar yet unable to recall exactly what it stands for.
“…This is Fib… What can I do for you, friendo?”
The gentleman on the phone explains that the UFL, which stands for the Universal Fighting League, has unfortunately been experiencing lagging engagement numbers far below their projections.
This, despite the fact that their cards have recently included such cosmically significant battles as Positive polarity vs. Negative polarity (during UFL 37e^6800), and Matter vs. Antimatter (a fight that analysts would later discuss as one of the most cataclysmic ever streamed on the internet), this brand of diametrically opposed combat had seemingly begun to wane in the public eye as people complained that they could just ascertain these battles playing out imperceptibly throughout the entire universe at any given point.
Therefore, it was that the UFL had decided to change tact – opting to tap in to a type of conflict which appeared to be ever-relevant to the masses – internet conflict.
Fib Newton, in all of his recent notoriety for calling with J4 and winning a spaceship off of one of the most renowned poker organizations of all time, seems to fit the bill well.
“So you want me to what… guest-cast the event?” Fib asks distractedly while sending a string of unbelievably asinine emojis through The Suites public channels to amuse or perhaps annoy the Suites crew.
“That’s right, Mr. Newton… and we just want to say that we totally believe you meant to call that hand, smart move sir, you have our full support!”
Fib sighs… bullshit.
Conflict Epoch 69e^4200
UFL Conflict Epoch 69e^4200, The One In Which Fib Was Asked To Make A Guest Appearance, would incidentally take place on nearby planet 5, a planet which was recently bought out by the UFL through an existentially threatening meld of business and diplomacy for the occasion.
As this was already inputted as the destination for The Suites vessel, Fib took the offer as a guiding light by the great hand of Fate itself and thus agreed to sign on.
Following the newfound business philosophy of appealing to the petty sense of consciousness possessed by the average UFL viewer (based on a recent marking report) – the fight card would be centered around a main event featuring an age-old and relatable classic, Left versus Right.
…and besides signing controversial poker player Fib Newton on as a co-caster, the event was billed as a fight to the DEATH, which – according to the UFL marketing department, was certain to make waves in the highly competitive attention economy of the quantum internet.
Left vs. Right
A VIOLENT FRENZY as fans of both Left and Right, incompatibly packed together around the octagonal fighting ring of the UFL… SHUDDER the foundation of the stadium itself in an outcry of glory, desperation, and of course, complete villainization of the opposition.
“Yeah looks like uh… they’re really polarized out there… guess they just can’t come to terms…” Fib finds himself answering into the mic, his entire presence seemingly a sort of shameless mistake playing through the UFL stream to a universe of viewers.
Meanwhile – Left and Right battle in the center of the ring, their blows hammering into one another relentlessly, the brutality of the conflict increasing minute by minute, the depths of treachery unbounded by any sort of ethics or morality and now giving way to sheer savagery on both sides in a plunge towards mutual destruction.
Woah… the probability analyzer is going nuts Fib notes, staring down at the fight odds as they update in real time. He watches the odds flip from 50x on one side to another, he reads hot takes through his feed -written in absolute CERTAINTY on behalf of victory for one side – then unbelievably, the other.
The magnitude of it all begins to dawn on him…
This is a truly pivotal moment, thinks Fib. What if Left really does beat Right? That seems… impossible..? But Right seems to have the upper hand at the moment, wait no – it flipped again…
It is then that Fib begins to notice the warm energetic emission from his $SUITE tokens as they resonate in time with the shifting odds of the conflict playing out violently in front of him.
Are you telling me… I need to choose? Left or… Right?
The tokens resonate again as if answering, their purple light shining through the pockets of Fib’s best garb, a pure-silk Kimono and nothing else (which he wore for the event to flex on his internet haters).
Consuming the Octagon, then the arena, an enormous flash of light containing the photon density of an unfathomable number of energetic events spreads out in an awesome wave as time itself seems to freeze.
Utter silence embalms the moment in profound ambivalence, starkly and in contrast to the formerly-deafening roar of opposed fans on the cusp of all-out violence.
Fib wakes up aboard the Suites vessel…He checks his pockets… Heavier.
“Heh, looks like I chose right. I mean… correctly” He says to himself.
The sheer impossibility of the conflict resulting in victory for either side seemed to require a hard reset on behalf of the universe.
That being said, the mysterious blockchain-based technology of the $SUITE token allowed it to persist across the broken threads of a dimensional reversion – thereby allowing Fib to STACK IT UP through what would have otherwise been a literally impossible decision.
This conclusion was arrived at more thoroughly in the years that followed, after a rigorous batch of research done by a select cohort of the Suites Empire Academy’s brightest temporally-specialized academics.
The full report can be found in edition 42069.b of the Suites Academic Monthly, with excerpts leading up to the seminal copy in edition 6969.
LAY IT DOWN
We have GLORIOUS news to report, Suitizen.
As you’ve already been made aware, our token can now be used to PLACE WAGERS on sporting events. We have rounded out some of the most MAJOR activities available on the internet for sports and gambling enthusiasts, and now you can finally BET on most major sporting events using our $SUITE token!
This is a huge deal… and yet it is still just the FIRST STAGE of our growth. We are looking to weave our token through the entire web 3 world, and we’re already off to a great start.
Yes, we are picking up steam, my friends. Just check the volume of our $SUITE on FFF if you don’t know what I mean.
Remember, when this pool of 44mil is gone the emission rate HALVES… better go stack it up because it looks like we’re already under 25mil left! (stake your Suite!)
2. Go to your acc in the top right
3. Click add / remove currency
4. Add $SUITE
5. Deposit $SUITE
6. You’re ready to sweat some sports with $SUITE, go check out your options because you can bet on ANYTHING in the sportsbook using $SUITE!
One more thing…
Don’t forget, we’re here to conquer EVERYTHING sports/gambling related with our MIGHTY Suites brand – web 3 sports and gambling will be powered by $SUITE and there’s just NOTHING you can do to stop us.
The plan is already in motion. The wheel is already turning.
If you’re sleeping, it’s time to wake up.
If you’re out of the loop, it’s time to pay attention.
We’ve only just begun.
Fib Newton, CM